


Oh Crap

by NobleD93



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cute Kids, Dimension Travel, Dorkiness, F/M, Falling In Love, Geeky, Gen, Humor, Modern Character in Thedas, Modern Character in Thedas - Opposite, Romance, Thedas Character in Modern World, Wardrobe-NarniaRelated, single parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5282183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobleD93/pseuds/NobleD93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’ve fallen in love with Cullen. I’ve fallen in love with Solas. I got into bed with the Iron Bull, Dorian, and then Cassandra, Josephine, Sera, Blackwall… Of course, I’m speaking virtually while playing as the Inquisitor of Dragon Age.</p><p>However, I had never fallen in love with the Inquisitor… until now.</p><p>-</p><p>Post Trespasser. Hannah Stryker is a young, single, unorthodox mother of two children living in a suburban home and a normal life as an everyday geek. Then one day, a delivery truck dropped off a wardrobe that belonged to her deceased great Aunt (who she didn’t know she had). Apparently, that wardrobe had to be Narnia related because, at that night, it spat out a giant wolf and a Dalish mage known as the Inquisitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Conjuring Wardrobe

“So, get this Hannah!”

“Get what, Quinta?”

“I got you… a blind date!”

Sitting up, I had to make sure. “You got me a blind date? Quinta! I told you––”

“And he doesn’t mind kids!”

Sighing, I got off the couch and went to the dishes after I placed the phone on hands–free mode. I let her keep talking about how handsome he is, and that he’s two years older than her age, and that he wouldn’t mind dating a mom.

Ha! If only…

“Is he a pedophile? Look Quinta, I thank you so much for looking after my sucky love life, but no guy is going to date a dorky, geeky, and young mother of _two_ kids.”

“I’m serious, Hannah! He’s the guy for you,” she insisted. Any guy she thinks is handsome and loves kids is good for me apparently. “Look. Just try it once, this Sunday night, I promise you’ll like him.”

I rolled my eyes, but after so much pleading, I sighed. “Alright, Quinta, I’ll try him, but this is the last time! Seriously!”

“That’s my girl! See you next week!” Then the phone hang up.

Sighing heavily, I went back to doing dishes, but it seemed I had to stop again. I heard the loud beeping noise of a delivery truck, and it sounded so awfully close. However, it couldn’t be for me.

Then heavy knocking came upon my door.

I took off my rubber gloves and went to go and answer the door.

Sure enough, UPS guy was here and with a really huge package.

“Hello Ma’am! Could you sign here please?” The guy asked and I looked over the electronic device with pen. They’re really upgrading their tech.

“I didn’t order anything to be delivered today,” I explained to him as I looked behind him to see the huge package: it was a wardrobe. It looked almost like the wardrobe that was in the movie conjuring. Ugh, I could almost imagine that demon witch hiding on top of it.

“It was addressed to you and this.” He said, taking the clipboard back once I signed it and handed me the yellow post–it note. It was a quick writing on it.

 _For you, from your deceased great aunt_.

Huh. I didn’t know I had a great aunt.

Moreover, who the hell wrote this?

Then the UPS workers started moving the wardrobe and I waved my hands.

“W–wait!”

It took several long minutes and I finally got them to move it down to the basement. Successful, I gave them some Filipino mammon with cheese, wrapped in packages. They looked at me oddly, but thanked me either way.

I went downstairs and stared at the dark, chestnut wardrobe.

Fucking creepy, I swear.

Walking slowly over to it, I keep imagining something was going to pop out of there, and I was approaching it without a weapon. Then again, I could just be ridiculous at this point. There’s no way…

Bravely, I opened the doors of the old wardrobe…

And nothing.

See. I worried over nothing.

My phone vibrated, startling me. Damn it. I closed the doors of the wardrobe and went upstairs. It was 2:00 in the afternoon and I needed to go and pick up my kids.

.

.

.

_Chop, chop, chop!_

I chopped the lettuce a bit, knowing Ethan only wanted small pieces of lettuce. My kids can be so picky sometimes, but I’m not complaining when they can eat their vegetables unlike most kids wouldn’t.

Placing the tomatoes on top of the lettuce, I added special sauce on it before placing the bun. I brought the burgers over to my 6–year–old Sophie and 10–year–old Ethan.

“Ew!” Sophie called out and I looked over to see that she was referring to the TV where the cooking channel was on. Some chef was chopping off a duck’s head and proceeded to clean out the guts.

“That’s disgusting. Killing animals and eating them…” she said.

I looked at Ethan, and he was grinning.

Oh no.

“Well, what do you think you’re eating?” Ethan asked her.

“What?” Sophie looked confused as she took a bite from her burger, chewing already.

“Burgers come from dead cows, you know.”

Shocked, she opened her mouth and let the bolus flop down on her plate.

I crossed my arms. “Really? Did you have to do that?”

He looked at me sheepishly and Sophie was gaping at me.

“Mommy! We’re eating dead cows!!!”

Oh boy…

In the end, I gave Sophie cereal to eat and finished off her burger instead. Once it was 10:30 at night, I sent them to bed.

I was brushing Sophie’s hair while she was brushing her teeth.

She talked. “Mommy? Maddie said I can’t go to her slumber party anymore.”

The slumber party was tomorrow night too and I had bought her a sleeping bag and all.

“Why not? What happened, sweetie?”

“We got into an argument. She took my jelly and I took her cookie.”

“Sweetie, you are not supposed to take things even if she’s taking them. You are supposed to tell the teacher.”

“Miss Connor is deaf, I think. She ignores me.”

“Well, I’ll send an e–mail to Miss Connor then.”

“Hey mom!” I turned around and saw Ethan with the heavy duty flashlight.

“Ethan! Where did you get that?”

“From the basement. Hey mom, what was that wardrobe in the basement? Is it new?” Ethan asked. “It looks creepy!”

I snorted. “It does.”

“What wardrobe?” Sophie innocently inquired.

“Nothing that you should worry about unless you want nightmares?”

“I don’t want nightmares.”

“Then let’s all head to bed! …Ethan. The flashlight,” I held my hand out to him.

Ethan looked down at the yellow flashlight then up at me. “Can I keep it? I need it to––”

“No. You have your own flashlight.”

“But it’s for kids!”

“You _are_ a kid,” I said then I reached out to take and he let me have it. Too tired to go downstairs, I left it there near the staircase.

That late at night, the kids woke me up.

“Mom!”

“Mommy!”

They whispered in urgency as they shook my shoulders very hard, enough for me to wake. Groaning, I turned to face them. “Whaat?”

“Mommy, we heard a noise…!” Ethan said, eyes wide like a frightened deer.

“Noise…?”

Then I heard it…

**_Thud…Thud–thud!_ **

Immediately, I got up and took the kids. Pulling them into the bathroom, I hid them in the closet there.

“Stay here and don’t come out. Lock it!” I told Ethan and he nodded.

He closed the door, locking it with Sophie then quickly I went into the loft. I could still hear the pounding sounds coming from downstairs and so I grabbed a metal bat.

Cautiously, I went down the stairs, and at first I thought it was coming from the garage that someone was trying to get in from the garage, side door, but no… the sound was coming down the basement.

The only way to get in and out was the zig zag stairs leading down to it. Warily, I made my way to the stairs and the noises grew louder.

Fuck!

Is it the fucking wardrobe?

No… shit, this must be some shitty prank or something.

Problem is I can’t tell who would be pranking me.

Bravely, I climbed down the stairs after I turned on the lights. I walked up to the basement door and opened it. The noises stopped for a moment, and the wardrobe stood there innocently across the room.

I went in, checking around just to make sure. There really couldn’t be any way inside the basement other than the door behind me. Was there a rat? It really sounded like someone was banging a door or something.

Going into the middle of the room, I turned on the light…

The bright light basked the room to bring some sort of relief, but only for a moment…

**_Snarl…_ **

I flinched and I immediately turned around to see a giant wolf––fucking big wolf with two pairs of red eyes, growling at me as saliva dripped from its menacing jaws. Behind the thing, the wardrobe was left open ajar.

Now… I know that furniture was closed…

So…

HOW DID A FUCKING WOLF COME OUT FROM THAT!?

It snarled again, getting my full attention and slowly I backed away, aiming my bat at it.

“S–stay back!!” It lunged biting my bat and I screamed as it easily broke my bat with its powerful jaws.

What the FUCK!

“AAH!” I backed away as it spat out the bat. It approached me again. “No! Stay back!!”

It lunged…

I closed my eyes and screamed.

“AHHH––ooff!”

Then something knocked me off to the side, and we crashed into a couple of dirty couch pillows. The monster–wolf had crashed into a large mirror. At least, I heard it did since there was a lot of glass breaking noises.

I felt strong arms around me protectively and I bravely looked to see who my savior was…

The first thing I noticed were the _ears_. Long ears.

Elf..?

“Stay hidden!” He said and immediately, I scrambled to hide behind an old dresser.

The wolf recovered from the crash and it turned its attention to the elf as he circled around it, summoning magically an energy sword with the staff upon his right hand.

The tan skin, the deep brown eyes, the silver blonde hair, and Mythal’s vallaslin on his face…

Then the wolf lunged at him and amidst the fight, the red cape that hung at the elf’s left side, flew a bit, revealing a missing left forearm.

It was confirmed.

 _My_ Lavellan.

Inquisitor Mahanon Lavellan!!

“ARRGHH!” The wolf tackled him but he stopped it from doing any damage. He only glared––only _looked_ and there was suddenly a blast that forced the wolf back and many things around him, even making the doors of the wardrobe slam shut from the force.

He used mindblast without touching his forehead!

With the wolf stunned from the attack, Mahanon didn’t waste any time as he raised the blade high and swung it right down. No spray of blood, but black smoke poured out once the head was lopped off.

The demonic wolf disintegrated into nothing.

Oh. My. GOD.

I slowly stood up, coming out form my hiding spot behind the old dresser. He stood there, panting softly and audibly. After a moment of still silence, he turned around to look at me and I thought… I had never imagined him to be so handsome.

Then something happened to me, and I had no idea what came over me when I did that.

He moved to me. “My Lady, will you––”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” I screamed. I don’t know why. Rather than fainting, I just scream like bloody murder.

My high–pitched, resounding scream apparently startled the Dalish mage and he stood there shocked. I think he was shocked. I screamed for the longest time until I had to stop to breathe.

Still… This isn’t happening…

He blinked at me and once I stopped screaming. He tried again.

“My Lady, please, I’m not here to hurt you––”

“ _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_ ”

This isn’t HAPPENING!!


	2. Not So Bad

.

.

.

.

He looked at me warily, hands––I mean hand slightly raised after he put the staff against the wall. I think he was expecting me to scream again but I just stood there, staring at him.

Actually, I stood there still considering if perhaps I was in some sort of crazy dream.

This isn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. There is no way that a giant demonic wolf had attacked me and I was saved by a video game fiction character that was standing right before me. I was expecting him to disappear like the wolf did, but nothing was happening. We were both silent and weary of one another.

“…My Lady?” He tried again, taking a step forward. “Please, listen, I am not here to hurt you. I am merely lost, and I do apologize for intruding in your home.”

The cape hung loosely over his left shoulder, hiding the left arm, but I know what I saw. He was missing a forearm.

That had to be like… like after the Trespasser DLC right?

Hahaha… He is _trespassing_ …

Wait…

“How…” I managed to speak and I took a moment to swallow and clear my throat. I continued, “How did you get here? You are not supposed to be here.”

He blinked at me. Huh. He likes to blink.

He gestured to the wardrobe. “I had to escape from some wolves. They had me outnumbered and so I went through a mirror, and here I am.”

“The Eluvian?” I asked, shocked.

“Yes… How do you know what is an Eluvian mirror?” He asked me.

“I–… Well–… YOU! Are NOT supposed to be REAL!” I suddenly snapped, catching him off guard as I quickly went over to the wardrobe. I opened the doors and there was nothing but the chestnut wall of the wardrobe.

Opening the doors wide, I pointed at the wardrobe.

“How did _you_ and that _thing_ come out from that??” I asked since there was no magic portal there or anything.

His eyes widened as well and quickly he went over to the wardrobe to inspect. He touched the wall of the wardrobe and started knocking on it. He then got out of it and went around behind it to inspect. Nothing.

He stepped back now, probably suddenly realizing…

He was stuck here.

Now… I’m still freaking out why he’s here. I mean, I know he’s real now. Very, very real. I feel wide awake and I just witnessed magic in front of my eyes no matter how impossible it was.

“I… I need to get back!” He said as went to grab his stuff and went up to the wardrobe again.

Standing aside, I watched him as he held out his right hand. He called out some Elvhen words that I didn’t understand but I heard the words: _Enansal_ and _Vir’vhenas_.

He repeated the line so many times, but still nothing worked.

Then he stopped, giving up.

“…Mahanon?” I tried, guessing that that was his name.

And it was indeed as he looked at me, confused and surprised.

“That’s… my name. You know my name?” He inquired. Had no one ever called him by his name? Then again in the game, I’ve never heard any of them call his name other than calling him Lavellan.

“You are Inquisitor Lavellan, right?” I tried again, just to make certain even though the missing left arm is a dead give–away.

“Former, though people still call me that, yes.” A title that still bore respect even though it’s been long gone. Former meant that they had disbanded then rather than becoming a peacekeeping organization.

He decided to ask. “Where in Thedas are we? I must have travelled far from the Anderfels.”

Anderfels? What was he doing at the Anderfels?

Shaking my head, I proceeded to tell him. “Inquisitor! You are not in Thedas… In fact, you are far, _far_ away from Thedas.”

He looked at me like I was crazy, but then his eyes widened a bit as if realizing I was telling the truth.

“What do you mean??”

“Mom?” A soft voice called and the two of us looked at the open door and saw two of my children there, standing confused.

Ethan tried again, “Mom. Who’s that?”

“Is that your boyfriend?” Sophie unhelpfully asked.

I swear I saw a smile twitching upon the Inquisitor’s lips. Walking over to my kids, I had them turn around and march. “Upstairs, you two. Now.”

“But who’s the weirdo?”

“Why is he wearing armor?”

“Is he from the Medieval Times Tournament?”

“He’s carrying a staff. Is he a wizard?”

“Those are elf ears, right? Is he related to that Elf King in the Hobbit?”

My fault. I have dorky brats too.

I stopped for a moment, realizing Mahanon didn’t follow us. “Uhm! Inquisitor, please come upstairs!”

Once he did, I asked him to stay as I took my kids up the second floor, trying to get them to bed again. I told them several times that he was _not_ my boyfriend and after threatening to ban cookies tomorrow, they went to their respectful bedrooms and off to sleep.

With that, I went to my closet and gathered clothes that were my husband’s. I can’t believe how lucky Mahanon was that I didn’t throw away my husband’s clothing that he left behind. _And_ I had washed them, just in case he came back.

Then I would skewer him if he came back.

I went downstairs again but slowly when I saw that he was looking around in awe. He was over at the buffet table, looking at the photographs that I placed there as reminder. I slowly descended down the stairs and set the clothes and towel aside on the side table, watching him pick up one of the photos.

Walking over to him, I spoke, “That’s when we went to an amusement park.”

“An amusement park?” He asked curiously, turning to me.

“It’s a place where we go to have fun.”

He nodded but I’m sure he still had no idea what an amusement park is. “These paintings… they’re very… real. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“They’re photos rather than paintings,” I explained to him. “They were taken by a device called a camera.”

“How does it work?”

“I am not sure but it has to do with the light and it captures that light and image.” I really had no fucking clue, but it’s the best explanation I can think of. “I didn’t create the device. I’ve only bought it from a vendor.”

I was careful with my words, only using those that I was sure the Inquisitor would understand. He stared at the photo a bit more before slowly placed it back down.

“I am not in Thedas anymore, am I?” He asked then slowly he turned to face me and my heart fluttered a bit.

See, I’m used to seeing the back of his head when playing the game, running around here and there. Then I see him in front of me, and I thought… he was _handsome_. _Very_ handsome. I think Cullen lost his spot of being the most handsome.

Ugh, what am I thinking?

“You have me at a disadvantage, My Lady. You know my name when others do not…” He pointed out. Right, I had a lot of explaining to do.

“My name is Hannah… That wolf that you killed? That didn’t happen to be Fen’Harel, was it?”

His eyes widened, surprised that I knew the name. “No, it was just a void creature.”

Oh good. That would have been an “anti-climatic ending for the Dread Wolf” (credit to ryderofclouds).

But wait…

“A void creature?” Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? Is this really after the game? It has to be. How much time had passed since then?

“Yes. It’s a very long story, and I really need to get back to my world, but…” He was stuck here at the moment. The portal that was supposed to be in the wardrobe is not there, and no _mirror_ is there. It would have made more sense if there was a mirror there.

It’s strange though how he’s taking this so well.

Also odd how I’m taking this so well that the Dragon Age series is actually a very _real_ thing.

“This world is called Earth, very different from yours,” I told him. “In our world, we don’t have magic.”

Shock flashed across his face before understanding softened it.

“Is that why I can barely feel the fade?” He asked. “I mean it’s there, but then there’s a thick wall.”

Huh. That’s something good to know.

I only shrugged. “I do not sense it, sorry. We also don’t believe a fade exists here, and thus no magic whatsoever…”

“Alright… now may I ask how you seem to know my name? And Fen’harel?” He inquired, now getting to the most serious parts. I’m surprised he didn’t ask me that the beginning, but then again, he is very… calm. He’s so level–headed, and maybe he had already seen so much shit that any new shit that comes up, he can handle it like a boss.

Like… really, he’s so… much like a Leader.

“U–umm… How should I say this? …Your world is a storybook here.”

He raised his brow at that. “A storybook?”

“Yeah. Like a pick–your–own–adventure storybook,” I explained. This was harder than I thought. “There are three books. The first book was about the Hero of Ferelden, the second was about Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall, and the recent third book is about the Inquisitor slash Herald of Andraste.”

“And the third book is about me?”

“I mentioned pick–your–own–adventure yes? Well, you could either be a human, a dwarf, an elf, or a Qunari to be the Herald of Andraste. In this case, you are the Herald of Andraste. A Dalish elf from Clan Lavellan, and seeing your staff, you were the First of your clan, right?”

He nodded, looking at me as if I was crazy, then again all of this is crazy.

“Also you could make choices in this storybook and whatever choice you make, you would go to that specific page of the storybook and find out like for example… When the Iron Bull told you that the Qunari wanted an alliance, a mission came up that you all did to stop the shipment of red lyrium, but things went awry and you had to choose between retreating the Chargers or not retreat. What did you choose?”

“Not retreat.” Mahanon looked at me skeptically.

“Then, if you chose not retreat, the Iron Bull had ignored the orders of the Viddasala,” I told him and his eyes widened when I said her name. “Now, if you didn’t choose to call off the retreat, the Iron Bull would have betrayed you and would try to kill you and your companions.”

He was really shocked to hear that and he swallowed a bit. “…But he didn’t.”

“Yes, because you chose to save the Chargers, making him Tal’Vashoth.” I pointed out. “Thus, he will not listen to any of the Qun members.”

“I see…” He fell into deep thought.

I blinked at him. “…You are taking this very… well.”

That made him laugh. “No, no, no, I am not. I am… well, I am still trying to understand without… panicking…” He paused a moment. “So… do you know how this ends? What is Solas going to do?”

I frowned at that.

“That’s in the next story book, which won’t be for a couple of years, I think,” I told him. “The last story ended with the conclusion of you, Cassandra, Leliana, and Harding going to Tevinter.”

His brows raised. “We did go to Tevinter.”

“Oh… How is it? How’s Dorian––I mean, Magister Pavus doing?” I asked a bit excitedly, and my behavior made his brow raised, but his smile widened.

“You really do know everything of us.”

“Mostly everything. Are you and Dorian together?” My question made his expression turned to horror.

What did I say?

He hesitated. “Um, no… Bull, I think, would kill me even if he still calls me Boss.”

Oh…

“So who are you with?” I asked again, and yes, I am prying rudely, but he doesn’t mind answering.

In fact, he did answer with a laugh. “I am with no one.”

Ohhh…

“Wait. The story says I’m with Dorian?” His eyes were laughing, finding all of this amusing.

“What? No. No, no, I mean, you could have been but it all depends. See, this storybook also comes with pick–who–you–want–to–fall–in–love–with.”

“Really??”

And so the time passed as we conversed more about the storybook I told of him to be in and gave more proof of the truth. He’s really not freaked out by all this, but I think he’s more… flattered and also amused of what I know.

Then, I told him more of this world as much as I could and asked whatever question he had. It was nice, and it almost felt like I was dreaming if I wasn’t so sleepy.

My eyes glanced up at the clock and my eyes widened to see.

It was 4:00 a.m.

“Oh look at the time. It’s so late!” Standing up, I walked over to the clothes and the towel I had folded for him.

For the next fifteen minutes, I had to educate him about the bathroom. See, I sort of watched this web–based series of _Riftworld Chronicles_ , and the guy from medieval times peed in the trash bin. I love Mahanon, but I would also kick him out if he peed in the trash bin.

“So…the wastes would flush down? Down to where?” He asked, eyes wide.

“It goes to a sewer treatment plant and there, wastes gets properly thrown away without destroying the environment… this is a big leap from the latrines, huh?”

“Yes… very much yes.”

Then I showed him the shower and before he would go to wash up, I showed him where he would sleep, which is right next to the bathroom.

The guest bedroom is usually where my parents would sleep when they come over to visit all the way from San Francisco, but since they’re not here, he can use it. Plus, the sheets are clean.

“Well umm… I’ll leave you now to rest,” I told him.

He smiled at warmly. “Thank you, this is… most kind. I am a stranger and yet you let me stay.”

“Not so much a stranger, Mahanon––I mean Inquisitor.”

“Please, call me, Mahanon… I’ve never been called that for years.”

“O–Oh, then…alright. Mahanon.” I give him my best smile and he gave me his. My heart really fluttered. Now how the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight?

“Good night, Lady Hannah.”

“G–Good night, Mahanon.”

With that, I went upstairs a bit, resisting the urge to look back as I head into my bedroom. This is crazy! I’m letting a fictional character stay in my room! If it weren’t for the magic and the demonic wolf, I would have already called the police, but..!

I plopped down on my bed, looking at the ceiling.

Only one way to know this isn’t a dream.

Tomorrow, if I wake up and he’s not there, then it’s a dream, but if it’s not…

I have gone completely mental. My kids too.

But that’s not so bad.

.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Yay! Just in time for Thanksgiving Day!!!  
> Happy Thanksgiving Day everybody!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I decided that fainting might be overrated at this point of a Modern Character in Thedas---uhmm... oppositely. Thing is... screaming's the new thing.
> 
> Comments and Criticisms will be helpful! :)


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